When it comes to dying in a horror movies there is no limit to the number of ways that you can end up being killed. The number of ways you can be killed increases significantly if the horror movie you happen to find yourself in features a monster of some description. Obviously the monster can vary greatly from movie to movie and range from zombies to Godzilla type creatures.
If you ever find yourself to be in a monster horror movie type situation you are going to want to apply a few simple rules to make sure that you get through the day unharmed and still alive.
1 – Never be the Guy Hunting a Monster
Where You Have Seen It :- Robert Muldoon in Jurassic Park
Monster :- Velociraptor
When faced with a dangerous monster your average normal person will do the sensible thing and run away. There is always one person who likes to go against the rules and in monster movies these types of people are usually the guy who purposely tries to track down the monster and kill it. There are even occasions when he would rather capture the monster over killing it.
Ironically, any man who happens to be a hunter is probably the best prepared to deal with an encounter with a monster and is usually heavily armed. Unfortunately for all involved all of that survival knowledge and firepower suddenly becomes useless when the hunter is the first guy to be killed by the movie monster. If we learn anything from this it should be that you would be better off dropping all that firepower and heavy equipment and making a run for it.
2 – Never be a Woman with Big Breasts
Where You Have Seen It :- Every Single Woman in Piranha 3D
Monster :- Flesh-Eating Piranhas
Before everyone starts shouting about how this statement is sexist please take the time to think back to every single monster movie that has ever been made. If you take the time to think back you will indeed notice that any women who happen to have huge breasts that are hard take your eyes off is highly unlikely to survive the entire movie. In the end if a woman looks what you could refer to as sexually tasty then she will become a voluptuous meal for the nearest hungry and blood thirsty monster.
3 – Never be the Jerk of the Movie
Where You Have Seen It :- Warren Westridge in Anaconda
Monster :- Giant Anaconda
In a desperate situation, in this case being hunted by a monster, there are always two types of people. There are those who will join together in the hope of saving everyone in the group and there are those people who will become selfish jerks who are only interested in looking after themselves. The selfish jerk is the one person that the rest of the group will very quickly come to despise.
It is always worth remembering that it does not matter how desperate a situation there is no need to forget about good manners. After all if it ever comes down to someone saving the idiot of the group or the jerk of the group the idiot is always going to win without fail.
4 – Never Let Yourself Be Left Alone for Any Reason
Where You Have Seen It :- Ranger Gail in Grizzly
Monster :- Prehistoric Grizzly Bear
Finding that you have been left alone for any reason is certainly one of the most likely ways you are going to find yourself dead at the hands of a horror movie monster. If you want to survive that you MUST make sure that you never ever let yourself be left alone.
When it comes to horror movie monsters the safety in numbers rule will highly improve your chances of survival. If you come across a horror movie monster the one thing you must make sure is that you are not alone. If a monster is hungry the more people you have with you means the monster has more flesh to choose from. This makes the chances of it choosing you less and less.
5 – Never be the Wounded Zebra in a Group
Where You Have Seen It :- Walter Chang in Tremors
Monster :- Graboid
If zebra’s could talk I can would imagine they would claim they are not worried about being faster than the lion they are only worried about being faster than then other zebra’s. This same rule really should apply when it comes to surviving a horror movie monster.
One thing for certain is that a horror movie monster will always go for the easiest kill. They will go after the ill, the old, the sick and overweight and the injured. For this very reason you really don’t want to be the guy running at the back of any group. Always make sure you are at least somewhere in the middle.
6 – Never Be A Current or Former Special Forces Soldier
Where You Have Seen It :- Scottish Commandos in Dog Soldiers.
Monster :- Werewolf
Everyone knows that anyone who has been or is currently in any form of Special Forces unit is a highly skilled bad ass who has expert training in hand to hand combat and weaponry. This type of person might sound like someone you want to be around in the event of a monster but all of the training is pretty much worthless when it comes to monsters.
Some of that survival training may well come in handy up to a point but in the end you really would have a better chance of surviving if you happen to be a boy scout with a pocketknife over a Navy SEAL with an AK47.
7 – Never Be a Leading Scientist in Any Field of Study
Where You Have Seen It :- Millburn in Prometheus
Monster :- Alien Worm
Curiosity goes with the territory when it comes to scientists and any form of caution seems to disappear like a fart in the wind when there is a chance to see or touch a monster close up. This seems to apply even if it means the scientist risks losing a limb or even their life – which they always do in the end.
The only use for a scientist in a monster movie is that they will give an insight to exactly what is going on and how to defeat the monster. Once they have given everyone this knowledge they are most certainly living on borrowed time.
8 – Never Go Swimming or Hiking When Alone
Where You Have Seen It :- Chrissie Watkins in Jaws
Monster :- Great White Shark
Everyone loves getting close to nature at some point in their life. There are plenty of people who will head off hiking through the woods to look at trees and wildlife while others will go swimming with dolphins. This is all well and good until it happens to be ‘nature’ that is trying to kill you. If this is the case then you really should consider staying indoors and well away from nature.
We have already looked at how a monster will look out for easy prey so why help them by wandering off through the woods alone or swimming in the sea at night.
9 – Never Stand Next to a Window, Door or Opening
Where You Have Seen It :- Russell Franklin in Deep Blue Sea
Monster :- Super Shark
If you know a monster is on out there you should always keep a certain amount of paranoia handy whenever standing next to a window, door or other opening. The problem with standing next to such things is that they all provide really easy access for a monster to reach out and grab you. In 99.9% of monster movies there is always at least one person who is killed as a result of standing next to an open doorway.
If you really must stand next to an open window or door make darn sure you do not turn your back to them as this is just increasing the chances of death and in many ways tempting fate.
10 – Never Sneak Off to Have Sex, Get Drunk or Take Drugs
Where You Have Seen It :- Steve Elliot in Critters
Monster :- Crites
For some unknown reason it seems that monsters are highly attracted to the smell of alcohol, drugs or sex. The moral here is if you know a movie monster might be nearby then make sure you do not engage in any of the above activities.
I can understand the need to maybe have a shot of whiskey or smoke some hash to calm your nerves if you know a monster is chasing you but the last thing that should be on your mind is having sex. This goes back to the wounded zebra theory of monster movies. Monsters always go for the easiest prey and if you are drunk, stoned or simply have your bare ass hanging out then you suddenly become a real easy target.