Anyone who uses public transport for their daily commute will be well aware there are people out there who make your journey about as enjoyable as sticking your tongue up a dogs ass while being forced to listen to a Justin Bieber song on repeat play.
It is pretty hard to travel on public transport without encountering one of these hillbilly’s, in fact you might well be one of them yourself and in that case can I just say this. “Screw you!”
5 – Loud and Excessive Talkers
Let us begin with maybe the least offence of annoying berks that you will encounter in public transport hell. The excessive talker, from the very moment they get on until the very second they get off, can simply not shut the hell up. They just talk and talk and talk. I personally have nothing against a little friendly conversation but these people just spill out constant non-stop rubbish from their mouth. This would not be so bad if they were not just emptying their heads of every single pointless and mind numbly irritating thought they can possibly think of.
The excessive and loud talker is completely oblivious to the much loved tradition of shutting the hell up. What makes these people even worse is not only are they totally unable to close their mouth for more than two seconds they insist on talking ridiculously loud something that seems even worse when they are using a cell phone. Maybe I am missing something but these people seem to think that the person on the other end of the call will only be able to hear them is if they SHOUT AS LOUD AS THEY CAN.
NO, I’M ON THE TRAIN!! I TOLD HIM I HAVE A SORE NIPPLE!!! WHAT??? I LOVE YOU!!! THAT IS SO FUNNY!!!! YEAH, STICK THAT RIGHT UP YOUR BUTT!!!!!
To really finish things off and make these types of people ultra-annoying is that they are always talking about the most trivial, boring and ridiculous of things. Why would everyone else on a train or bus need to know that you can’t decide whether to go to McDonalds or Burger King?
Get a god darn life!
4 – Preachers
I personally believe that there is a time and a place for everything from massaging a goat to cooking your lunch in the nude. Another thing I believe there is a time and a place for is religion and that place is certainly not on public transport.
The thing is with public transport preachers are that they seem to exclusively appear on the subway. This is no doubt because if they showed up on a bus and started shouting out bible verses then the driver would get annoyed and throw their ass off. The lack of a visible driver really does make the subway a free-for-all when it comes to freak shows.
Normal people like you and I want to jump on the subway and get where we are going with as little fuss as possible. Some of us like to kill a little bit of time in between reading a book, listening to music or even sleeping. Such time killing intentions are short lived when you encounter the public transport preacher.
Whatever it is you happen to do when on the subway you will find nothing worse than having a preacher urinate all over your plans by screaming out quotations from the Book of Revelations. We all know we are probably going to hell we just don’t need to be reminded of that at 7am in the morning on our way to work. We certainly don’t need to be reminded of that at 5pm on our way home from work.
What is most ironic about the public transport preacher is that they can often be heard screaming about peace and love yet peace is the last thing they give anyone.
3 – Entertainers
I for one enjoy being entertained. I enjoy hearing live music just the same as the next person and appreciate that there are some very talented people out there. I am also a firm believer that success is not just going to come and bite even the most talented of people on the backside. Even these people are going to have to put themselves out there and find success.
It seems that nowadays wherever there is public transport there is a constant stream of amateur performers trying to show off their talent. I actually use the term talent loosely because it seems that very few of these entertainers have anything slightly resembling talent. What these people want is not to show of any talent it is the loose change from your pocket. Big deal you can bang on a drum or throw yourself around like an epileptic retard and call it dancing. Good for you. In fact here is a buck or two just to go away and leave me alone.
2 – Hygienically Challenged Traveller
These people can turn up on public transport in many shapes and forms. There can be little worse than someone who has just ate an egg sandwich before getting on a train next to you. In such instances you can be forgiven for feeling compelled to offer them a dog turd to munch on and take the edge off their breath.
It is not just people with ridiculously bad breath that show up on public transport. There are a huge number of people out there who seem oblivious to what the rest of us know as soap and water. They absolutely reek of stale sweat and their clothes look and smell like something you might drag from the sewer.
Oh, and what the heck is with your inability to clip you nails at home rather than all over the floor of the subway or actually hold in a fart? There are plenty of things I’d be happy to chomp on but gas from your ass is not one of them.
1 – Crazy People
While people who fart on the subway and those who smell like they have being licking a dogs ass may make public transport unpleasant there are people out there who make travel rather unsafe. That is right I’m talking about crazy people.
These people really are a disaster and accident waiting to happen. Anyone who is mentally ill or actually believes that an invisible man is talking to them is nothing more than a ticking time bomb It takes a lot to make me uneasy but crazy people are one of them.