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7 Unintentionally Hysterical 80’s Action Movie Villains

I’ve always found it a little disturbing that anyone takes an 80’s action movie seriously. Personally, and I know I am not alone in saying this, I have always found action movies from the 80’s amusing. Even the ones that are meant to be serious.

From the totally ridiculous plots (on guy taking on an entire army) to the sex scenes in which a guy gets a girl that is just so far out of his league.

The one thing that really does make 80’s action movies absolutely hysterical on a whole new level of hysteria is the villain. What makes these characters side splittingly funny is that they are actually supposed to be serious and macho characters. This brings us to our list of 7 Unintentionally Hysterical 80’s Action Movie Villains.

Ice Man

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Top Gun is supposed to be one of those macho 80’s buddy movies after all it is filled with scenes of guys hitting on chicks, motorcycles and fighter jets. Unfortunately just because a movie is supposed to be macho does not necessarily make it so. In fact a movie that tries’s as hard as Top Gun just goes to prove that there is a very fine line between machoness and gayness.

Top Gun unintentionally falls into the category of ultra-gay. This means that not only is the movie unintentionally gay but all of the characters are also unintentionally gay including Ice Man played by Val Kilmer.

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Ice Man is supposed to be what everyone considers the ultimate male. A guy who is super cool, good looking, athletic, good at his job, and even wins the Top Gun trophy. The problem with Ice Man is that he is only supposed to be all of those things.

He tries just that little bit too hard to be cool and macho and tips over the line into gayness. There is the constant biting of the teeth after each of his sentences not to mention the “playing with the boys” volleyball scene which involves the “guys” jumping around the beach whilst hugging and sweating. Oh, and did you forget about the way Ice Man and Maverick feel the urge to constantly breath into one and others mouth when they talk?

The whole macho act just becomes hysterical and gay.

Bennett

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I just need a hoover and some fluffy pink high heels
Bennett in the movie, commando is another one of those 80’s action movie villains who not only takes himself way too serious but also mistakes being macho for being gay. Bennett is in all essence an overweight Freddy Mercury impersonator who seems to think he is some kind of military mercenary.

Bennett spends the entire movie throwing his weight around in what appears to be a pair of leather pants and vest while at the same time making all of his macho lines unintentionally comical.

Anyone who has seen the guy who plays Bennett as “Lord” in Weird Science will fall over laughing as soon as he appears on screen. The final nail in the coffin for Bennett and his unintentional hilarity is the number of faces he pulls in every fight scene. He actually manages to look like he is getting fisted by a guy with really big hands.

And like he could ever come close to beating up Arnold.

Clarence Boddicker

You like that, don’t you baby?

Clarence Boddicker is played by That 70’s Show’s Kurtwood Smith. Looking at the guy it may be hard to believe that he actually played the classic sadistic and insensitive “I don’t care about anything” bad guy but that is what makes the character so hysterically funny.

It is kind of like trying to imagine your girlfriends sweet old grandfather playing the part of an evil cop killing psycho whilst trying to imagine your own parents play ride the dead pony.

The guy just does not fit the character and every attempt to he makes to be nasty in a cool and hip way just makes you chuckle. The guy even tries to French kiss a grenade for god’s sake.

Hans Gruber

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You would never ever in a million and one year’s use the word awesome to describe Hans Gruber from Die Hard. It is actually hard to describe what is so funny about Hans Gruber apart from the fact he seems to think he is a reject Bond villain.

He gets a little confused to which country he is from and his accent wanders throughout the entire move. He even attempts an American accent at one point but sounds more like a farmer from the south of Devon, UK.

Chong Li

Who really needs shoulder muscles this big

Chong Li in the Van Damme move, Bloodsport really does not say that much through the movie. His character is meant (we assume) to come across menacing and terrifying just because of his appearance and size.

Obliviously this does not work and when you look at the guy, regardless of his size or the size of his nostrils, you just want to burst out laughing. He really does look like he has a body made from play dough with those ridiculous muscles on his shoulder. If anyone can tell me what the purpose of muscles on your shoulders like this are meant for or who really needs them I would be glad to hear.

Likewise I’d love to know anyone who didn’t look at the photo of Chong Li and start to laugh.

General Zod

Can you really take someone wearing a PVC suit seriously

Superman gets away with wearing lycra. After all he is Superman, the man of steel. If you are going to have an enemy of Superman I suppose it is only right that he gets to wear a skin tight suit as well. Not only that it is only common sense that anyone who goes up against Superman is going to have to take themselves pretty seriously with no time for jokes. After all you are going to need to be a pretty serious kind of guy to even attempt to take on Superman.

General Zod is well aware of the above points but he has decided to go a completely different way. He has replaced the lycra suit with a suit which looks like it has been made from that PVC material that prostitutes have their thigh high boots made from. You just know that material has to hurt against his skin. Maybe even cause him an inappropriately placed rash with all the sweating he must do.

If the black PVC suit doesn’t quite make General Zod funny enough for you then the next time you watch Superman 2 try not to break into fits of laughter when you look at his face and realise he definitely appears to be wearing ladies blusher.

Captain Freedom

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Captain Freeman, according to quotes from the movie The Running Man, used to kill guys like Arnie with his bare hands so he does not need any gimmicks. With lines like that you would really expect the guy to be one mean mother f**ker.

Not this guy. The guy who plays Captain Freeman just oozes cheesiness to the point you are not sure if he is really supposed to be game show host from the 70’s. This is done by having a guy who used to be a wrestler play the part of Captain Freeman. As you can imagine if you take an action movie and put a wrestler in it all seriousness is going to be thrown straight out of the window.

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